The Classic Question of How Often to Keep in Contact with Someone
Building Contacts in the NBA
One of the hardest things after making an initial contact with someone you’re establishing a professional connection with is how often to follow-up or keep in contact.
I’ve had some people take it to an extreme, sending me regular holiday cards… and by holiday, I mean every holiday, even a Valentine’s was slipped in there. But then I’ve had others I would have loved to have stayed connected to who never reached back out. It’s a tricky balance, even for me. It was tricky for me 15 years ago when I was trying to get into the NBA and it’s still tricky now, balancing relationships, friendships, and work / potential work connections.
I’ll be honest, I’m not good at keeping in touch with those professionally above me. I lean towards the ‘not wanting to bother them’ or ‘not wanting them to think I am just contacting them because I need or want something.’ But that causes me to err on the other side, not being in contact with them at all.
I was listening to a Tim Ferris Podcast which helped bring clarity to my situation, “Busy people do not expect or desire to keep in contact with or keep up with many people. I don’t need to routinely ping someone to keep my name on their mind… I think it would actually damage those relationships.”
It was actually quite freeing and made so much sense. That’s how I felt, I just couldn’t put language around it. It felt like continuing to reach out to someone would damage the relationship but I felt the expectation was to continue communicating to keep the relationship going.
I’ve made a lot of connections throughout 15 years in the NBA. When I started my GITG101 on-line courses, I started reaching out to a lot of those contacts, asking if they would come be a part of it.
They didn’t need to hear from me regularly or be in constant contact to say yes. Some I talk to every other day and others I hadn’t talked to in years… and regardless, the health of the relationship and connection was the same. It wasn’t forced it simply was where it was.
My levels of contact:
1 – Unestablished Relationship
If you haven’t established a relationship or connection at all, obviously, you have to reach out and make that connection. Look for common ground whether it’s location, schooling, work aspirations, and make the connection.
2 – Establishing Relationship
While the relationship is being established, contact the other side when it’s relevant. If there is something work-related, basketball-related, or otherwise, by all means, reach out. If it’s simply the “What’s up? How’s your season going? Here’s a holiday card…,” I would pass on those. But finding common ground to build a relationship is important.
3 - Established Relationship
Once you’ve established a relationship, you can contact them everyday… or not at all. And it’s fine.
A lot of my former co-workers keep in touch through Fantasy Football. Are we going to message each other everyday throughout the football season… and then not talk to each other for 6 months, it’s quite possible.
Are we going to go a year without seeing each other and then meet up for dinner because we’re passing through the same town? For sure.
Once you’ve established a relationship, just be yourself. I’ll be honest, it’s hard in the first two phases of being yourself. Especially if you are more introverted. But once you’ve gotten to the established relationship, if you like staying connected regularly to someone who you’ve build a relationship with, do it. If you prefer to just touch base once a year or so, do it.
And in any of the phases, if someone isn’t reciprocating, well, it’s not a relationship and it’s okay to move on to someone who values you and your time.